just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
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I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
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thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker