I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
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Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
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I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"