i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife