It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.