I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
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some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.