he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think about you every night.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face