Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.