This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.