I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
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i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."