I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
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He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
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i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found