Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.