When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have feelings that need drinking.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower