You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Your face is a jimmy john
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
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I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.