Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
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I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
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You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?