I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher