Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
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I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
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Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.