You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?