In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I love how my cats smell like pot.