That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
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sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
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So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?