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I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
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