Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i can juggle bunnies
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.