Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i can juggle bunnies
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.