This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.