i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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