Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR