Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.