it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm fucking your sister right now.