I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
