ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.