I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
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If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
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I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up