FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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