My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
