He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.