No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i will never coherently bang her
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
this boner is exhausting
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me