I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place