so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I would do horrible things to your vagina.