Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
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In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
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shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.