You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.