This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka