Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.