I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
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he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
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I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.