Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
what if I'm pregnant?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."