its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
