Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
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I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof