i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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