i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice