i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
