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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
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