And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
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Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
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I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.