And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.