Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
