Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
