I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
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Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".