mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
