walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.