Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.