Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.