He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.